Sexual Abuse Recovery: Why We Help the Abuser and Shoot the Victims

It was a meal together after a funeral. I was sitting at a table with a couple of my great-uncles, and the conversation turned to dealing with sexual abusers. As we talked, it became clear that their first priority was how to deal with the abuser and help him to be able to get back to a more-or-less normal life. For some reason, they didn’t have much to say about helping the victim(s) to find healing from their trauma.

Since then, I have observed this same phenomenon with others. They will talk about the dreadful effects that sexual abuse had in the life of the abuser, when they face the punishment for their acts, but fail to give equal thought to the effects on the victims. Why?

There are three reasons that I see:


In the case of child sexual abuse, there is a good chance that the abuser is a grown man–or woman, for that matter. (Actually, there is also an excellent chance that the abuser is a teenager, but we will leave that age group for right now.) If the abuser is a church member, all the adults in the church are peers. The abuser may even be a leader of some sort in the church and well-respected. Contrary to what you might think, an abuser is often not someone who you would suspect as an abuser. They might be friendly, outgoing, respectable people–who do terrible things.

So when the well-respected peer is convicted of sexual abuse, the people around them are naturally going to think of their friend first. They may feel that he/she was unjustly accused or given too harsh of a sentence. They want the abuser to be able to come clean and return to normal life.

The child victim, on the other hand, may be someone they don’t even know. At the very least, they probably don’t know the child as well as the abuser, even if it is the abuser’s son or daughter. If they’ve never met the victim, but know the abuser well (or at least respect him/her), they can easily forget about the needs of the faceless victim.

Especially if they have…


Many people are unaware of the effects of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. This includes many victims.

The trauma of abuse causes many effects on the victim, especially when it is repeated and comes from someone they trust, such as a family member. The victim may “shut down” emotionally or develop certain coping habits or thought patterns. They may blame themselves for the abuse. And they may “act out” in ways that appear rebellious, irresponsible, careless, or sinful. Those who don’t realize what is happening will react improperly and condemn the victim for their behavior, further traumatizing and alienating them.

The potential effects and results of sexual abuse include:

  • Guilt
  • Fear
  • Helplessness
  • Anger
  • Loss of trust
  • Poor school performance
  • “Spacing out” and daydreaming to disassociate from the abuse
  • Eating disorders
  • Withdrawal and isolation
  • Running away
  • “Acting out”–rebellion, crime, cruelty to animals, sexual promiscuity, drug use/abuse, physical aggression to others
  • Self-destructive behaviors–cutting themselves, slitting wrists, burning themselves, suicide
  • Confusion about what is healthy sexuality
  • Depression
  • Substance abuse
  • Shame/shaming others
  • Over-responsibility and perfectionism
  • Promiscuous behavior

(Taken from Helping Victims of Sexual Abuse by Lynn Heitritter and Jeanette Vought)

It is important that we understand the true effects of abuse on its victims so that we are able to empathize with them, understand why they do what they do, and help them to find healing. They need safe people to talk to, people who will care about them, listen to them without condemnation, blaming, or shaming, and respect the privacy of the victim by not sharing the information with others. They need people who are filled with the Holy Spirit and can help them to find true healing through the power of Christ.

Some people, though, will still not care enough to help, because of a…

Lack of Christ-likeness

Jesus defined His ministry early on by reading in the synagogue of Nazareth:

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to heal the broken hearted, to proclaim release to the captives, recovering of sight to the blind, to deliver those who are crushed, and to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.” (Luke 4:18-19)

The Scriptures foretold:

“[Jesus] will not strive, nor shout; neither will anyone hear his voice in the streets. He won’t break a bruised reed. He won’t quench a smoking flax, until he leads justice to victory. In his name, the nations will hope.” (Matthew 12:19-21)

Jesus has a great heart of compassion for those who are hurting. He came to earth and gave His life for us because He cared so much for us.

Jesus also expects us to have the same heart for those around us. He tells us that in the judgment, He will separate those who serve others from those who don’t.

“Then the King will tell those on his right hand, ‘Come, blessed of my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry, and you gave me food to eat. I was thirsty, and you gave me drink. I was a stranger, and you took me in. I was naked, and you clothed me. I was sick, and you visited me. I was in prison, and you came to me.’

“Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry, and feed you; or thirsty, and give you a drink? When did we see you as a stranger, and take you in; or naked, and clothe you? When did we see you sick, or in prison, and come to you?’

“The King will answer them, ‘Most certainly I tell you, because you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’” (Matthew 25:34-40)

Notice that this is not about preaching a gospel of good works. The righteous were not doing these things because they were trying to earn their salvation. They didn’t even realize that they were helping Jesus. It was just part of who they were as God’s children. They had compassion on their brothers in Christ (“the least of these My brothers“) and ministered to them.

Jesus wants us to reach out and help the hurting, especially those within the church. If we lack this desire and compassion within our hearts, could it be that we lack the love of God?

But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and closes his heart of compassion against him, how does God’s love remain in him? My little children, let’s not love in word only, or with the tongue only, but in deed and truth. (1 John 3:17-18)

But Don’t Throw the Abusers Under the Bus

From what I’ve read, 40-50% of sexual abusers have been abused themselves. Their actions can be part of their “acting out” and trying to cope with their abuse.

This does not excuse their abusive actions, but it does bring something to the forefront: the abusers need help too!

Christians have something to offer that no one else has: the power of the Holy Spirit to enable people to lead holy, righteous lives, free from abuse and other sins. While the world can only offer prison and therapy, Christ has the power to actually change people from the inside out. He has the power to heal the hurts, the wounds, the pain, and to take away an abuser’s desire to abuse others.

However, there is one catch: it only works if the person actually wants to be helped. It only works if they are willing to repent and accept the working of Christ. Jesus does not force anyone to accept His forgiveness and cleansing.

As long as an abuser is unwilling to fully repent, be cleansed by Christ, take full responsibility for his/her actions, and pay any necessary criminal penalties, he or she will never find true freedom from their sin. There are many people, unfortunately, who will never experience true freedom in Christ because they are unwilling to do one or more of these things I just mentioned.

Before I wrap this up, one more important point: sexual abuse is a crime. It doesn’t matter whether it was full-blown rape or “just” some inappropriate touching. Both are traumatic to the victim, and both are criminal. Some people, such as pastors and counselors, are required by law to report sexual abuse to the authorities. If they do not, they themselves will be held accountable by the state.

We want people to find repentance and cleansing through the power of Christ. But the law has been broken, and the penalty must be paid. The church is not capable of handling abuse “in-house”.  It must be dealt with in a court of law.

And all Israel shall hear, and fear, and shall not do any more wickedness like this among you. (Deuteronomy 13:11)


Jesus is the God of justice,
And He wants us all to be made free.
Let us follow in His footsteps,
Bring the world His liberty!

Bind Up the Wounds


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8 Replies to “Sexual Abuse Recovery: Why We Help the Abuser and Shoot the Victims”

  1. I like how you emphasized that both the people who abuse and the ones who are abused need help. I agree that to receive help, we must want it. Jesus asked, “Do you want to be healed?” and I believe He still asks us that question today.

  2. Thanks for this post. One thing the church seems not to know anything about is being trauma informed. This has to do with understanding how the brain reacts to trauma. Everybody’s brain responds differently to trauma and experiences of trauma are stored in a part of the brain (the amygdala) that what normal memories are stored in. So a person who has gone through trauma may not be able to recount the trauma in a way that really makes sense or that is chronological or may respond in ways that seem abnormal. People look at this and discount the victim. Or they look at the ways in which they are acting out and condemn them as sinners or unstable or whatever. I think it would be very helpful for churches to really get some teaching on these issues and try to understand what happens even physiologically to these victims and why they are triggered like they are when things happen. David Lisak is a great resource on this. He was sexually abused as a child and now is a world renown researcher and speaker on the effects of trauma on the brain. Also, I believe the church does really need to recognize abuse as a criminal offense. It is illegal by our laws just as murder is and must be treated as such. Abusers also need to go through a Batterer’s Intervention Program that the state offers in order to start dealing with this stuff. Yes the Gospel is the only thing that will change them, but they need to have trained people work with core issues that a lot of times the church is not equipped to do. I’m not saying the church shouldn’t be involved, I’m just saying, they need some trained help.

    I’m so tired of talking about abuse. So tired. But I have to face it every single day at work. And there are so many women and children that need me to stand up and to help and to share Christ. How do I go on, I wonder. I finally came to the point that I realized it is not my job to reform the church. Only Jesus truly can. I’m so grateful for you men who are speaking out. My job is to share the Gospel and the love of Christ to all these women and children, and men too. I want to be faithful in doing this and I need simply to trust that Jesus will help me, and than Jesus ultimately will triumph over this. Praise him.

  3. Thanks for this excellent post.

    A big red flag should be raised in one’s mind anytime that you see someone in the church standing up for the sexual predator and blaming the victim. This action is the opposite of what a real Christian should do and there should be a question in our mind of why they are defending the wrong person. With the high rates of sexual abuse in conservative churches, one of the things to suspect is that the one defending the sexual molester may have sexually abused someone themselves or is involved in some other secret sin such as pornography. Sin in a person’s life will pervert their sense of judgment and justice and they will protect the wrong person in an attempt to protect themselves. It is important not to do what is often done with a respected person in the church, of giving the person the benefit of the doubt who has a perverted sense of judgment and justice.

  4. I too have wondered why the church tries so hard to protect perpetrators. Could it be that some of these leaders who are so against any kind of counseling and reporting have been abused themselves? And/or have been abusers at one time too? I think it is sometimes ignorance. And most of the time cover up is done so that “we don’t look bad.” Seems like we are forgetting that Jesus came for the sinners-the people who don’t have it all together. Thank you for writing this post.

  5. Pingback: To Be a Peacemaker
  6. Thank you for your boldness to speak on this topic and for the balanced approach to both sides! It’s spoken about so little, especially in conservative and homeschool circles, and it needs to be addressed and people need to be educated on how to properly deal with and respond to both the abused and the abuser. In my experience, I don’t think it was avoided so much because those around me didn’t want to face it and didn’t want to know and deal with it, but because they thought we were well protected and didn’t think it could happen to their child(children), and didn’t think they’d encounter it.
    In reality, I had experienced both sides of the spectrum before I was 10 years old, and no one had a clue… I was abused around the age of 4, likely only a single time, and then by the age of 6, turned that abuse onto younger siblings. The effects of that single incident of abuse have been tremendous and long lasting, not only for me but also for my siblings. My parents were completely unaware that the abuse had occurred, and when I was caught abusing my siblings, because of being unaware of the symptoms and trauma of abuse, it was treated as all of us acting out and fooling around in inappropriate ways. We were told it was wrong (which definitely it was) and disciplined for it, but because of the lack of knowledge on the subject, no red flags went off that the things that were done, with as sheltered and protected as we had been, could only point to something traumatic having happened. For 4 years I abused my siblings, hating what I was doing but not understanding it and not knowing how to stop. I was only caught a couple of times, so my parents really had no idea how big of a problem it was, and they dealt with it as best they knew… But again, it’s talked about so little in conservative and homeschool circles, they didn’t know the signs and didn’t recognize that there was a deeper problem and injury at the root of the acting out.
    When I finally was able to stop abusing my siblings around the age of 10, I turned to self harm for release, hating myself for what I did and trying over and over again to stop, but not knowing how. With this too, my parents caught me so few times that they had no clue how big of a problem it was and how much I needed help. I desperately wanted help, and as I got into my mid-teen years, I came to my parents a few times and “confessed” my sin to them, asking for accountability to not do it again… But always fell back. I hated it, but I couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop myself, and I didn’t know why. Receiving physical and spiritual abuse from my father only compounded the struggles. I was left believing that I was evil, that God hated me for what I did and could never forgive me, and that there was something I wasn’t doing right, or I’d be able to stop. Yet, I never could figure out what it was that I wasn’t doing or hadn’t tried. The conveyance of this belief system was unintentional, particularly on my Mom’s part… But you already know how Scripture is often taught out of balance in conservative circles, and such a focus placed on the rules and on us doing, that there is little room left for learning and understanding the real work that God does in us. And again, no one recognized that there was a deeper “root” of hurt and trauma that had to be dealt with in order for the “leaves and branches” of my own abuse to my siblings, self harm and acting out to be able to be corrected effectively.
    By the grace of God, I was somehow able to stop the self harm at the age of 17, and for about 5 years was able mostly to put that “phase” of my life behind me. It still haunted me though, mainly in the form of continued nightmares and occasional wrestling with impulses to go back to self harm. After about 5 years, I finally realized that burying it hadn’t solved the problem and in order for it to stop haunting me and for me to be able to live in freedom and truly put everything behind, I had to go back, face what I had done, and give myself the chance to heal. It wasn’t until then that I realized that what I did to my siblings was abuse… That I had continued the cycle and injured them in the same way I had been injured. That knowledge then brought an even heavier burden of guilt and shame, due largely to the still inaccurate view that I had of God’s love and grace.
    In recent months, through counseling and the amazing love of God demonstrated and lived out toward me by a few close friends, I’ve finally been able to begin to heal. I finally realized that God had never loved me less, and that it wasn’t that something was wrong with me (other than the sin nature that all of us have, of course) and that I hadn’t been trying hard enough. The realization that, in God’s eyes, I am still priceless, infinitely loved and worth dying for, was revolutionary for my belief system. That change in my belief system not only brought incredible freedom from the shame and guilt that I couldn’t remember ever not carrying, but also provided the courage I needed to be able to go back to those of my siblings I had abused and ask their forgiveness… And the forgiveness and love that they graciously extended to me brought further healing.
    I hadn’t intended to share that much of my story… I’m not really sure why I did. I still have a long ways to go in the healing process. It amazes me how easily the cycle of the abused becoming the abuser can be repeated at such a young age, and I’ve heard many times that the person is almost certainly doomed to never be free when that cycle is repeated at such a young age… And yet, there is hope. Hope for the abused and hope for the abuser. If people had looked at how much I did, how frequent were the incidents of abuse during the 4 years of childhood that I abused my siblings, and how frequent were the times that I self harmed during my teen years, I would probably have been one of those people that the world would have looked at and said I was messed up for life. But by the grace of God, I’ve been able to start down the road of healing from the abuse done to me and the years of self harm, and I’ve also found forgiveness for the abuse that I perpetrated as a child and have been enabled to make it as right as it can be, and to now walk alongside my siblings in their own journeys of healing.

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