We Need the Light

If we try to stop abuse by stopping abuse, we are going to fail.

We can only stop abuse if we replace it with something better.

Abuse, at its root, comes from a lack of love. It comes from evil desires and evil intentions, and sometimes from ignorance. Sometimes, people abuse others unintentionally, because they have been taught that abuse is the right way to act or because they were never taught that certain actions are wrong.

But here’s the thing about human behavior: merely telling someone to stop doing something is only half the answer. In fact, it’s probably less than half the answer. Because we, as humans, have to take action. We have to do something.

If I am doing something harmful to another human, obviously I need to stop doing that harmful thing. But that’s not enough. I need to know what I should do, especially when I’m dealing with those close to me–spouse, children, family, and friends. I am part of their lives. My actions will affect them.

The only question is: how will my actions affect those around me?

It’s important to recognize that some people are unwilling to change. Indeed, some people get pleasure from causing harm to others, and apart from a miracle, they’re not going to change. They are all too willing to manipulate those around them and attempt to deceive them into believing that they’ve changed, but sooner or later, their evil behavior will once again return.

For those who actually want to change, though, how are we helping them?

If we want to raise kids who won’t grow up to be abusers, we have to show them the right way. We don’t just want them to “not be abusive”. We want them to be kind, compassionate, honest, fair, patient, gentle, and all the other characteristics of a healthy member of society.

We don’t just want people who reluctantly force themselves not to harm someone else. We want people who shudder at the thought of harming someone else, because they care deeply about other people.

Jesus told a story of a man who has a demon cast out of him. The demon wanders through desert places and eventually comes back to the place where he used to dwell. He finds that the home is swept and furnished, but apparently no one is living there. So the demon goes out and finds seven other demons, even worse than himself, and they all go and take advantage of this dwelling place. Jesus said that the final state of this man is now worse than before.

I believe that there’s a lesson here. It’s not enough to cast out demons of abuse. In the void where abuse once reigned, something new must live. As a Christian, the obvious answer seems to be that we need Jesus to fill this void.

But I’ve known many people who professed faith in Jesus, and yet abused others. I’m not ready to simply throw around “faith in Jesus” as though it’s a cure-all.

Maybe the first clue comes when Jesus tells us that the most important command is to love God with everything that we’ve got, and then to love our neighbors as ourselves. Romans 13:8 follows up with this, telling us that someone who loves others has already fulfilled the law; that all the laws are summed up in “love your neighbor as yourself”.

After all, if you love your neighbor as yourself, you won’t abuse them. You’ll treat them the way you yourself would want to be treated–and I’m pretty sure you don’t want to be abused.

There are a lot of things to learn about how to protect kids from abuse. I’ve been researching abuse for many years, and I would by no means claim to be an expert. But what I can say with certainty is that the main preventive factor is for people to treat one another with love and kindness. You don’t have to understand every nuance of abuse prevention to make a difference–just being a kind, empathetic human will go a long way.

And I think that same principle applies in so many other areas as well.

People say that you shouldn’t curse the dark; you should light a candle. I do think “cursing the dark” is sometimes necessary because it’s revealing some very dark places. But eventually, you need to bring some light to replace the darkness.

And the cool thing is that light is the best way to get rid of darkness.

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